My kids have been sick this week and we have been busy helping some friends with various things, plus we have been De-junking like crazy. All in all it has built up a culmination of chaos in our home. I am behind it seems in everything and my house looks like it has imploded.
I lay in bed at 6:30 am willing the alarm clock to turn back time just one more hour, since my head was throbbing and I longed for just a little more sleep. Lil' Monkey at some point had made his way into our room, and was cuddled up beside me. He is my cuddle and I find that I want to just cuddle him and keep him close and young.
When I was a new mother I read everything I could about sleeping, feeding, and parenting in general and stressed myself out on a regular basis about all the things I wasn't doing right. When Clutch Powers or Mini Boden would come in to our room in the middle of the night, we usually let them stay out of pure exhaustion, but I tried not to cuddle them to much, because I was so fearful of letting them get out of a sleep rotation. They both sleep fine now, so fine in fact that they no longer come into our rooms and I wonder if I missed an opportunity somehow to cuddle them a little more. I still hear the statements from those books in my head, but with Logan I have chosen to disregard them and whether that is the reason he is my cuddly one or maybe just because it is part of him. I try to tune out what every one else says and just enjoy a precious moment with my little one.
So I lay in bed this snowy Sunday, holding my little one's hand and feeling content to let time slip by for a few minutes. To not rush to my next meeting, or appointment. To not get up and frantically try and clean the disaster I knew was waiting me downstairs. But to just be in the moment with my little one who will grow up too quickly and no longer need me in this capacity.
I find at least for me that it is in these moments when I rely on what I think is best instead of what others think or expect, that I truly find peace as a mother.
I find that I am happy as a mother. There will be time to pick up toys today and that will happen because order balances out my soul. But for this moment I wanted to live in that moment and hold Lil' Monkeys's little hand that keeps growing, and hear his breathing and know that I was being a good mother.
Living Authentically in 2013
5 years ago